People pleaser? How to say no with clarity and confidence
Do you keep saying yes — when every part of you wants to say no?
Three of the biggest self-sabotaging behaviours I see in high-achieving leaders I work with — what I call the 3P’s — are people pleasing, perfectionism and procrastination.
Today, we’re diving into people pleasing — a topic that comes up in nearly EVERY client conversation.
One client shared they were struggling to complete a project. The reason?
Diving deeper, we discovered the work didn’t energise or interest them. My client had agreed to collaborate on the project as a favour to the other person. But it wasn’t work they wanted to do.
No wonder it was a challenge to stay motivated! When your heart’s not in it, it’s hard to follow through.
This is the perfect example of what happens when you fail to set boundaries or say NO. You say yes out of obligation — because you feel you owe others something. And you become frustrated, apathetic or resentful as a result.
I pride myself on providing a high level of service to clients. But even though I have strong boundaries, I often found myself putting the needs of others ahead of my own priorities and schedule.
Working this way was unsustainable. And over time, I’ve learnt the importance of setting boundaries with myself — and respecting my own time too.
Struggling to say NO?
Read on to discover a simple 5-part framework to help you say no with clarity and confidence. You’ll find out how to make the right decisions and set boundaries which protect your time, energy and priorities.
WHY DO WE PEOPLE PLEASE?
People pleasing is one of the most common (and sneakiest) forms of self-sabotage. It stems from a deep need to feel liked, appreciated or validated. Or from the belief that putting your own needs before others is selfish.
But prioritising yourself doesn’t make you selfish — it’s a sign of self-respect.
People pleasers make decisions because they believe they ‘have’ to or ‘should’ do something — not because they genuinely want to say yes or help.
In fact, any time you hear the internal dialogue ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘have to’ or ‘can’t’, it’s a sign self-sabotage is present. It repeats an old limiting belief that leaves you feeling powerless, like you have no choice. And so, you struggle to say no and end up agreeing to something to keep others happy.
WHAT’S THE IMPACT?
Spending time on things you don’t truly want to do is a huge drain on your time and energy. You start to loathe the project or commitment you’ve agreed to. Then you struggle to complete it — and feel guilty when you can’t.
You feel resentful, taken for granted — and frustrated that your time could be better spent on something else.
HOW TO SAY NO — THE 5 PART FRAMEWORK
PART 1 — GIVE YOURSELF SPACE
Do you immediately say YES to any request for your time because you feel pressured, want to help, or please someone?
If so, you need to start by giving yourself space. Take a moment to reflect on the opportunity and whether you’re interested. This stops you saying yes and regretting it later.
So, how do you do this? Automatically respond with: “Let me get back to you”. Explain you need time to consider it and let them know when they can expect a reply.
Wait at least 24 hours before replying to emails. That way you can say no from a calm, considered place.
When you create space before responding, you will avoid saying yes to something you’ll later regret.
PART 2 — THE POWER OF CHOICE
Every yes has an equal and opposite effect. For everything you say yes to, you’re choosing to say no to something else.
If you say yes to collaborating on a work project but your heart’s not really in it, you’re saying no to the work you really want to focus on. By accepting an invitation you’re secretly dreading, you’re giving up other interests or time with family.
Remember, you have the power to choose how you spend your time. Deciding what you say yes or no to is within your complete control.
When you are intentional with your decisions, you will say yes to what matters most — and no to what doesn’t.
PART 3 — CONSIDER THE PROS & CONS
You’ve received a request, offer or invitation. So how do you decide whether or not to take it on?
Start by considering the pros and cons of accepting or rejecting the offer. Ask yourself: By saying yes to this opportunity, what will I be saying no to? And what will I be giving up if I decline?
Consider the positive and negative aspects of each decision. What will the impact be on your time, energy and life?
This step is about respecting your own time and energy. It will help you avoid saying yes to something you feel you ‘should’ do, instead of what you want.
When you weigh up the pros and cons first, you will say no with clarity and confidence.
PART 4 — CONNECT TO YOUR VALUES
Consider if the opportunity is aligned to your values, goals and what’s most important to you. Ask yourself: How will I be honouring — or not honouring — my values by making this decision?
Imagine I valued creativity and was invited to take on a project that was dull, process-driven and restricted my creative flow. This kind of work wouldn’t align with my values or what I enjoy. I’d decide to say no — because it’s not the right opportunity for me.
Your values confirm what’s important to you and are a helpful guide in decision-making. Check out this post for more information on how to clarify your values.
When you connect to your values, you will know whether to say yes or no — and feel confident in your decision.
PART 5 — HOW TO SAY NO
A few years ago, I was juggling a number of commitments. With a growing business, postgraduate studies, wedding planning and a seriously ill parent, I had a lot on my plate.
As a result, I had to completely scale back my schedule. I cancelled a voluntary project I’d committed to months earlier and declined several work and social invitations.
Setting boundaries and protecting my time became essential. It meant saying no to many commitments and potential opportunities.
Current commitments
Review your schedule — the projects, appointments and events you’ve already said yes to. Is there anything you want to say NO to now?
If so, here’s how to communicate it. Thank the person for the opportunity and confirm you were keen to be involved. Explain that your circumstances have changed and you’re no longer able to honour your commitment or give the project the attention it deserves right now.
Clarify your decision, apologise for the inconvenience and offer to answer any questions. Ask them to reach out if there’s another way you can support them.
Future opportunities
Follow the process I’ve outlined here today, give yourself space and decide how you want to proceed.
I always say no is a complete sentence. But if you feel the need to give a reason, here’s a simple script you can use:
Thank you for asking, but this is not something I can commit to/ am interested in/ or want to take on right now (insert your preferred wording).
When you say no, you will protect your time, energy and priorities.
If you put other people’s needs before your own or say yes to avoid letting them down, you’re not alone. These steps have helped my clients and I create boundaries and say no with clarity and confidence. I hope they support you too!
Need help saying no or figuring out what you want in your career?
Click HERE to book a free 30 minute consult and find out how coaching with me can help you!
Stacey Back is The Career Planning Specialist, an executive career + leadership coach and speaker. She helps high-achievers at a career crossroads find the work that lights them up, increase their income, impact and create a career + life on their terms. Stacey works virtually with individuals and organisations based across the globe.